Thursday, July 16, 2009

Illusions Mini Excerpt

I'm really hoping you can help me with the punctuation on the second sentence since I am struggling with it. Commas, dashes, individual sentences....it is a dilemma for my grammatically challenged mind. And I know this is a first draft of my first chapter - so there is a bunch to fix, but tell me if this beginning works to pull you in.

Kate ran three steps and flung herself out the broken window. Crisp air slapped against her face as she fell five stories- ten, fifteen. Neon lights flashed as she rushed to meet the ground. The line caught her weight and her descent slowed.

8 comments:

Corey Schwartz said...

Totally pulled me in. When do we get to see more??? Beth Revis can answer all your punctuation questions. She is the grammar goddess.

B.J. Anderson said...

Oh my goodness! I love it and want more!

Lazy Writer said...

Pulled me in! I have issues with punctuation, too. I am constantly checking The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference book for answers. Your opening is great!

Jamie D. said...

That is a fabulously freaky first few lines - what a great hook! As for the punctuation, there are a couple ways I'd do it. I'd either use ellipses:

"five stories...ten...fifteen."

or use periods as "stops":

"five stories. Ten. Fifteen."

I have no idea if either would be "correct", but I think they both get the point across, with the ellipses being a little gentler.

Sara Tribble said...

I agree this is a great opening--leaves a lot of wondering explanations.

Perhaps add more details like how the glass slices through her skin, and how they feel free falling as the ground approaches.

I agree, Beth Revis is great! Janette Johnson has some helpful sites to, especially for dialogue.

Danyelle said...

I like the full stop option. Very nice piece of writing. :D

Amy Allgeyer Cook said...

I agree with Jamie about the punctuation, and prefer the full stop of the period.

Also, the 'line' confused me. I'm assuming it was an electric line? Or was it a clothes line? I think I'd like a little more info on that.

Very exciting bit though! :)

Cindy said...

I agree with Jamie. My first thought was five...ten...fifteen. I like the sentences, though!